Emotional Risk Mitigation

El Conquistador

Let's get back to the basics. This is going to sound elementary, but if you're like most of the people I talk to about dating, you still don't get it.

This morning I talked to a friend who is starting to get emotionally invested in a guy but doesn't want to put herself through the hurt again if he never does anything about it. He's invited her to several activities and even went so far as to ask her to go running with him every morning.

Every morning! That's huge! No reasonably sane person - men included - would jump into that kind of commitment if they didn't like the person they're asking.

So he's shown some level of interest, which is making her more interested, and basically she wants to limit her risk of heartbreak in case the spark never catches. So her solution is - this one is good - to start saying no every time he asks her to do something with him!

Are you serious?!

That, my friends, that is the reason women get accused of being illogical. Because... they are! Ha ha ha.

As ridiculous as that is, I get it. She doesn't want another huge emotional let-down. Whatever.

I'm sure you can see, however, that this is just plain counterproductive and will likely get her thrown into a convent by her poor grandchild-less parents in ten years.

But let's not be too hard on her. I've been there before and I'm sure you have / are too.

So what's the solution? I humbly present to you a lesson in emotional risk mitigation.

There are two key elements to limiting chances of heartbreak:

1. Redefine success
2. Diversify

Redefine Success

First, if your idea of success is marriage, or a decent relationship, you're in for a long, long road of pure failure. I know that sounds horrible, but very few people find that kind of success with the first person they have a crush on. Or the second. Or the 23rd.

So, redefine your success! For example, my idea of success is the number of dates I go on per week. That is something I control, and if one girl says no I can still be successful by asking another. Though it still has yet to happen. ;)

Cocky is so fun.

Anyway, in the case of this friend of mine, she's basing her success on whether or not he "likes" her. That's a bad metric. It's impossible to ever really know if it's happened or not, she has little control over it, and even if she is successful it might not lead to anything.

Here's where the basics come into play. Going from single to married is a process, which for most people looks like this:

Single --> Single but going on dates --> Dating --> Engaged --> Married.

Duh, right? Now here's the secret: sequential progress. Step to step. If you're at step 2, you need to get to step 3. That's it. Get there with someone you may actually want to marry, but get there.

If you're in the single stage, you need to start going on dates. Like right now.

Getting people to like you is a step in that direction, but the real measure of success is dates. It's the next step in the process, and it's real progress. 

If you're a guy, start asking girls out. I won't say that's easy by any means, but it is simple. Pick up a phone, call a girl, and say, "I'd like to ask you on a date." Have fun with it. And don't stress because if she says no, there are thousands of other girls that would love to go out with you.

For girls the path to getting asked out is less straightforward, but because of that you often don't have any direct risk. We'll get into how to get asked out in a different post, but for now your task is to re-align your objectives with the dating process. Dates. Get asked out. That is your new goal. Work it, baby. ;)

Diversify

Now that we've changed our focus from "get that person to like me" to dates in general, the game becomes a lot more fun.

Now, every time you meet a guy, your objective is to get them to ask you out. Every guy. "Oh, but what about the creepers and the World of Warcraft addicts? I don't want to date them!"

That's fine. You can always say no. But get them to ask you out!

For guys, the objective is to get every girl to be interested enough to say yes to a date, should you choose to ask.

Why would you want to do that? Because it will build your confidence, give you great practice, and when other people see that you're getting attention, the competitive feeding frenzy receptor will go off and they'll want a piece of you without even knowing why.

And when you have a bunch of guys or girls going after you, it's really hard to become invested in a fruitless relationship to the point of heartbreak.