The Dating Age Formula

Every year it's the same story. Around August I start looking forward to when school starts and I can increase my dating pool with new college hotties. And like every year, I swear there are only freshman girls to be found. Even though there were like a bajillion the year before, those girls(now sophmores, aka, optimal dating age) are nowhere to be found. It's like they all decided to go on study abroad to the moon and  leave only a few girls behind on earth to prepare the current freshmen class for their own space voyage.

The weirder thing is that freshman girls aren't looking any younger, unlike their boy counterparts, who I swear come shorter and scrawnier every year. It's deceiving when freshman girls come fully developed physically when they're not anywhere close maturity wise. They need that first year of college life before they're experienced enough to be integrated into the dating pool.

Ok, so I lied. I don't necessarily agree with the above paragraph. I really do believe there are many mature  frosh girls out there ready and waiting to be dated. But sadly, I'm terrified to death of what that might do to my social life.

Last year I was 22 and really had no qualms about dating freshman girls. The only downside I could see was that none of them seemed to have a car, therefore, always needing me to come pick them up. After turning 23, I really didn't notice anything had changed until Jaron, our youngest roommate, decided to bring over a few froshes for a game night. I didn't mind, due to the fact that all five girls were attractive and flirtatious. One of the cuter brunettes, Lindsey, caught my attention immediately with her five star smile and it wasn't long before our witty banter turned into cuddling on the couch watching the movie "Hitch." After the girls left, Lindsey started texting me. I decided to take a leap of faith and invited her over to my parents' house for an extended family BBQ for the following day. She quickly said yes, so the next morning, I  picked her up and drove to my parents house for the festivities.

Now before I continue, let me explain a few things. My family is usually pretty cool when I bring a girl home, but they do like to give me a hard time every once in a while when the oppertunity presents itself. Especially my sister Kelli, who had just graduated from high school and was headed up to UVU. A few day prior, I had given her the older brother talk about how freshmen girls should date freshmen guys and to hold off on dating RM's till the next year. Upon arrival, I quickly introduced Lindsey to the fam, and then founds seats by Kelli. I listened to the girls chat away while I dug into my hotdog and only froze when Kelli asked Lindsey where she was going to school. Choking on my hot dog, I tried grabbing Lindsey's attention by....... choking on my hot dog, but to no avail. It was too late. All I could do was close my eyes in terror while wishing I knew how to make louder choking noises. Lindsey explained how she had just finished high school was about to start college. My sister Kelli's face lit up with pure, mischevious delight and exclaimed, "Oh my word, me too!" And though she was still talking to Lindsey, she turned to me meaningfully and said,"We're the same age!"

That's when it finally hit me. I had just crossed an invisible, yet very apparent social barrier. I had never felt so.....weird. As I drove Lindsey back to her house, I started to mull over in my mind what  made this age gap socially unacceptable, along with, how could I keep this same faux pas from happening to me again.

After getting home, I went whimpering to El Conquistador and Chase and explained my dilemma hoping to gain some wisdom and comfort. After a lengthy discussion, we stumbled upon this brilliant piece of dogma:
The Dating Age Formula (DAF)

(His Age/2)+7=Her Minimum Age 

or if you're a girl,

(Her Age-7)x2=His Maximum Age


Besides being a brilliant equation, 16 is the lowest number you can use and still have the formula make sense, which also happens to be the recommended minimum Mormon dating age.  If you plug my age, 23, into the equation, you get (23/2)+7=18 and a half. Rounding up you get 19. That's probably why my girl blunder wasn't obvious at first. Lindsey was just out of my range since she had barely turned 18.

Although extremely accurate, I'm sure there are people out there who have found exceptions to this formula. Take my good friend Rianna for example. Our freshman year of college, she went off and married a 29 year old by the end of her first semester. To be honest, I'm still creeped out by that; but heck, they made it work. All in all, this equation functions as a strong guideline for those who want to avoid the phrase "robbing the cradle." And although I stand firmly behind this dating code and have no intentions of breaking it, it won't stop me from facebook stalking the crap out of a couple of hot freshman girls I've seen walking around campus. This also happens to raise the question: why does every female freshman create a photo album labeled, "College Life"....? Really girls........

Plastic Girl Syndrome

I ended up going out to lunch with my new "best friend" Kristie. The words-- hell, soggy bread, and stale urine, all bring back fonder memories to me than this lunch date does. I picked her up and decided that we should go eat at Apollo Burger because neither one of us had tried it yet. Right from the first it was awkward. Since technically it wasn't a "date," due to the fact that we are "best friends," I felt absolutely no obligation to pay for her burger. I quickly ordered, paid with plastic and then stepped aside. She also ordered, paid with plastic, and then got DENIED.(Hey that rhymes!) Her credit card wasn't accepted. She then played the whole, "What? It got denied?" routine that everyone does when they don't want the person by them to know how poor they really are. I know the routine better than most due to the multiple times I've had to do it myself. So trying to save us from anymore theatrics I quickly just gave the cashier my card while listening to Kristie's choruses of , "That's so weird" "Why does my bank always do this?" And "Don't worry, I'll buy next time."

After finding an empty booth, I casually asked her how life was going. Just one of those things you say out of common courtesy/reflex to which you just want the response, "good." Oddly, She took it as, "Please, please tell me all your drama from the last 3 years of your life." So with much fervor, she gave me the complete drama and break-up story with each of her last FIVE boyfriends. Maybe it's just me, but listening to a girl talk about SEVEN of the THIRTEEN break-ups with her last boyfriend isn't exactly a turn-on. I mean, wow, talk about a slow learner.

It's like one of those cliche jokes about screwing in light bulbs.

 "How many break-ups does it take for Kristie to learn some common sense?"

"I dunnno, how many?"

"Well, at least 12, because I'm still dating her!"

And though I tried listening for the course of an hour, I could not for the life of me find any of what she was saying interesting, and started to wonder how could ANYONE find this garbage interesting.

So rather than listen to her babble on, I tuned her out and started having a fun little conversation with myself.

Matt: Why am I still allowing her to go on like this?

Matt: Because she's hot.

Matt: How did she ever get any of those boys to stick with her when she is always rambling on like this?

Matt: Because she's hot.

Matt: Yeah.... She is pretty hot, isn't she...

Matt: Yeah.....

Matt: Damn

Then it clicked. Kristie has probably been hot for most of her eligible life and has always had guys fawning over her for no other reason than her good looks. Thus, She was never forced to develop the necessary skills that are required to have a good, intelligent conversation. On the other hand, as a gangly high schooler, I had to practice and refine, develop and master, what would later become disarming social weapons when I finally grew into a more proportionate body. Maybe, later on in life, Kristie will get the opportunity to learn these crucial skills. But until that car crash happens, She's a victim of what I call, "Plastic Girl Syndrome."(PGS)

My own extensive studies have shown that cheerleaders, models, and even some male athletes are the most susceptible to PGS. Symptoms include but are not limited to, mindless conversation, a confused look when the conversation isn't about her, and the driving need to turn everything into a dramatic soap opera("Like OMG!")

It's a difficult thing to cure due to the fact that,

a) The victim is usually unaware of her condition
b) Unless she has some scarring incident, their condition only worsens
3) People often do not want to cure them due to the fact  they are a great source for dumb blonde jokes

There you have it folks. PGS is everywhere and ruining proper social interaction every day. It's time to rise up and help those we love.... (to look at) and get rid of PGS for once and for all. How? I don't have the slightest idea. But if any of you have any techniques, please, please tell me. That way I can cure Kristie-- because dang that girl is hot....

Thank you, Dictionary.com App. Thank you.

El Conquistador

So we went for a walk, and after a couple blocks of small talk, she suggested we get to talking about what she requested the talk for in the first place.

I was expecting her to say something like, "I like you. Are you interested?" And then I'd say no, and she'd try to convince me that I was, bringing up plenty of examples of that time I texted her or that time I told her she was fun, or whatever.

But instead, she turned to me and said, "You are so rude to me."

Whaaaaat???

That's actually what I said in real life, too. "Whaaaaaaat?" Kind of like the minion in Despicable Me.



Ha ha ha! That's hilarious.

Anyway, she follows it up telling me she was serious, and that she's never met anyone who has been so rude to her, and that she feels like I'm nice to everyone else but am a total jerk to her.

As evidence, she cited the text I sent her to reschedule our date and the following conversation.

I was totally taken aback by that, and defended myself adamantly.

It was a crazy long conversation so I won't go into all of it here, but I do want to share something I thought was funny.

Throughout the entire conversation, she was super negative about everything, telling me she thought Happy Valley was a big fake bubble where everyone is naive (Even though she's from here. Psh.) and how her boss is an unethical idiot and this and that, and it was just not fun to listen to.

So once I'd had enough I told her to stop being so pessimistic. Then she looked at me with almost hatred in her eyes and said, "I'm not pessimistic. I'm jaded."

I told her they were synonyms, and she put her hands on her hips and disagreed. I wasn't about to give into her so I told her they were basically the same thing again, to which she again said she wasn't unpleasant and negative, just jaded.

So I pulled out my phone and opened up the Dictionary.com app to settle it. I typed in jaded, scrolled through the definitions, and saw these beautiful, beautiful words:

Jaded
[jey-did]

1. a worn-out, broken-down, worthless, or vicious horse.
2. a disreputable or ill-tempered woman.

I could not have engineered a better set of definitions for that very moment in time. Thank you, Dicionary.com. Thank you so so much.

Confessions from a Mormon Bachelor Pad

While I'm at it, I want to address something that many people reading this will ponder deeply and often, especially while enduring long commutes, taking showers, or riding horses through the golden plains of the Midwest at sunset.

We are aware of and are semi-admirers of the Mormon Bachelor Pad blog. We've patterned Datenomics after MBP to some extent, though we differ astronomically in our approaches to dating.

For our fellow Mormon Bachelor Pad admirers and semi-admirers, we hope to provide entertainment in their absence.

For our non-MBP admirers... we hope to provide entertainment and masculine insight into the world of dating.

Welcome to Datenomics.

You ackst me to acks you out!

El Conquistador

One of the side effects of incessantly flirting with everyone is that girls get frustrated with me fairly often.

Occasionally, one will get so frustrated that she'll say something like, "El Conquistador, maybe you've noticed, or maybe you're stupid, but I really like you. Are you interested or not." (I know that was a question and should end with a question mark, but the way they always say it sounds more like a period-terminated sentence.)

And then I laugh and say something like, "I haven't given it much thought, to be honest. I've always thought of you as a friend... but you shouldn't feel bad. This happens all the time." And then I laugh some more (because I think I'm hilarious), and she experiences major cognitive dissonance because even though I just told her I wasn't interested, she can't help but think I was cute while I was doing it.

A few weeks ago, I got a text from a girl that said something like, "Jeff, you should ask me out. But don't do it if you're not interested. I'm done playing the game, so if you don't want to just tell me and we can be friends."

First of all, she's a liar. Everyone knows that it's nearly impossible to "just be friends" after a girl goes out on a limb to tell you she's interested and you climb up the tree and chainsaw the limb off while she's still on it.

Second of all... I said Ok.

So we planned a date for Tuesday night. I wan't particularly interested, but I wanted to get to know her better and thought it would be fun to take her out.

Tuesday rolls around and like four hours before the date, I find out I have to be at a meeting. Have to. One of those meetings. So I texted her these words:

Me: Hey Jen, I have a super mandatory meeting tonight for my calling - we're going to have to reschedule

I was kind of expecting her to respond something like, "Ok" or, "Sounds good" but instead she didn't text back at all.

So about a week later I sent her a text to follow up and this rather entertaining conversation happened:

Me: Jen, where'd you disappear to?

Her: Really?

Me: Yeah

Her: I don't know what u r talking about

Me: Well I don't know what you're talking about. Actually I'm not talking about anything, I asked you a question

Her: It was a weird question.

Me: Ok... So are you going to answer it?

Her: How can i if i dont even know what u r talking abt?

Me: Ok, this isn't going anywhere. How's life?

Her: Fine, busy hows urs?

(I fell asleep)

Her: Well for being so demanding that i answer ur quesiotn ur not very good at answering mine...

Me: Ha ha ha sorry. Life rocks! Where do you live now?

(Blah blah blah small talk small talk, then this)

Her: Yesterday i didnt undertand why 8 days after blowing me off you were A. Bothering to text me, B. Asking y I disappeared, when u were the one that vanished tues. & C. Just candidly think that everything is dandy when the last text i had recieved was not nice.

(Here it comes!!!)


Her: Can i talk w/ u face to face? I just really need to get some stuff cleared up.

Whoa. This is crazy. Seriously, you should have been there. We set a time to talk and then the really good stuff started. I'll write a different post about it soon, because one piece of it is hilarious.

But how crazy that after I'm trying to be a nice guy, asking her out, trying to reschedule instead of just blowing her off, and continuing to talk to her even though sometimes it feels like someone's giving me a sponge bath with steel wool, she's so unhappy?!

So I think we have three options for the moral of this story:

1. Never ask out girls that ask you to ask them out
2. If you wind up with a schedule conflict, just disappear instead of trying to work out a different time
3. Hakuna matata

Personally, I like number three.

This... Is a Really Bad Idea

El Conquistador

I was unfolding the mysteries of dating to a couple girls yesterday in our apartment when my roommate walks in the room and says,

"You are so dumb. Your dating strategies don't work! I'll bet that if you spent a few days observing the girls you know, then picked 10 of them and went on three or four dates with each one, you'd find your wife."


Oh. It's on.

So I'm now making my preliminary list, from which I'll choose 10 girls to ask out at least three times each. My guess is that this will get very volatile very quickly, because most of the 17 girls on my current list are all in my ward, and some are even roommates.

But I'm a bit torn. On the one hand, I love dating experiments and winning roommate debates.

On the other, I'm setting myself up to be the most hated man in the ward within a matter of weeks.

I don't know. Leave me a comment and tell me what you think. Right now I'm planning on it, in  fact my first date is tonight, but I'm not 100% convinced that this is a good idea...

Girls just wanna have fun.....at my expense

So, even though Kaylee is definitely the girl that is currently making my heart do somersaults in my chest, I wouldn't be a man if I didn't have a few other women on my mind.


Kristie

• Blonde
• Amazing body
• Likes Indie/accoustic music(my favorite too)
• Did competitive cheer for 10 years
• Amazing body
• Goes to school far up north but is down here working till January
• Amanda's new roommate
• Overall score: 8.

Because I am interested in dating this girl, or at the very least, making out with this girl, I've been trying my best to make this girl fall madly infatuated with me. And for awhile, I thought I had succeeded. She quickly said yes to any date I asked her on and would always text me first. When she added me on Heytell, I figured things were getting serious. So imagine my disappointment, while trying to get a better feel of how to go about my next move, I was quickly stopped by Amanda.
This is the gist of our conversation.

Me: So, is it just me or is Kristie pretty much into me?

Amanda: We actually talked about you today.

Me: And?

Amanda: And she said that you're like her best friend down here.

Me: Oh crap, like non-dateable best friend?

Amanda: Yeah.... I just don't want you to get the wrong impression when she starts calling or texting you all the time....

Me: Crap, crap, crap.

Then, to add insult to injury, I got a heytell message from her today on my way to work.

Kristie: Matt! I'm on my way home from work and realized I haven't seen you for like a day. We need to change that. Let's go grab lunch or something if you're free

Me: Dang it! I wish I could but I'm on my way to work. How's tomorrow?

Kristie: Wide open, so if you're down, let's do it.

Me: Sweet, I'm down. I have go to work later but we can do something before that like breakfast or.... oh wait, I forgot you like to sleep in. Yeah, we can do lunch.

Kristie: Ok....if you want me to get up, I will get up for you. Because I have a feeling we're going to be best friends by the time I leave to go up to school.

Me: Wow, I'm just all aglow at the thought of this friendship. K, let's do lunch at 12 tomorrow

Kristie: Sounds good.

Ewwww! She made me her bestfriend! I already have too many girl "best friends" and don't want anymore. No guy wants to be "just friends!" And girls, if he uses the line, "I'm so glad we're friends" on you, it means that he's not interested and is only you're friend so that he doesn't feel like a complete jerk. I hang out with tons of girls in groups and even occasionally one on one, but not every other day. Talk about torturing yourself--regardless if you like the person or not. If you do like the person, its like dangling a carrot in front of you that you can't ever eat. If you aren't interested, you're wasting valuable time you could be spending with someone else.
Anyway, although chances aren't looking great, I'm still gonna try to work the situation to my favor. If anything, maybe she'll set me up with one of her hot friends.
Always a silver lining.
Doc (Matt)

Girl Code Reform

El Conquistador

I have a friend who, to be completely honest, is in love with me. We've been friends for about three years now she just cannot get enough of El Conquistador. But who can blame her, right? I mean look at me! I'm like a refrigerated bottle of Aloe Vera lotion after a sunscreen-less week in the French Caribbean.

Or so I've been told.

Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about you... reading about me.

So the deal with this girl (who's name is Candice) is that she's hopelessly caught in my love-trance - though I don't encourage her, believe it or not - and she has been for a long time. She's also extremely resilient, and even though I haven't shown any reciprocation over three years of history, she continues to be super "friendly".

This is great for two reasons: A) I actually really like her as a friend and 2) She has cute roommates ;)

I had a huge crush on one of her roommates for like two years and was convinced we'd get married, but waited forever to make any moves due to annoying little deterrents like, oh, I don't know, her boyfriend, the fact that she was still in high school hundreds of miles away while I was in college, and... the girl code (to be read in a very loud, ominous voice).

I finally asked that girl out and it didn't go anywhere, but now I'm interested in another of Candice's roommates - Natalie. She is gorgeous and fun and intelligent and pure and just awesome.

I haven't told Candice this, of course, because I'm fairly certain she wouldn't handle it well. As in she would try to get in the way of anything happening. You see, she's a practitioner of... the girl code (again, to be read in a loud scary voice, preferably with dramatic music playing in the background this time).

As I understand it, this girl code dictates that if a girl is interested in a man, none of her friends are allowed to date him, flirt with him, text him, talk to him for longer than 8 seconds, mention his name in casual conversation, etc. Even if the guy isn't interested in her at all!

It's like when you were a little kid and you licked things so no one else would touch them.

Even though I wholeheartedly disagree with the girl code, I respectfully acknowledge its existence and power. So I've been trying to ease Candice into the idea of me asking out her roommate, Natalie. This I do by rather tactlessly making jokes about asking her out. Who knows if it's working, but it sure is fun. Here was my latest attempt during a text conversation I had with Candice:

Candice: Gonna see u today at the pancake breakfast?

Me: Huh?

Candice: O this pancake thing at Stable Apartments... but it's cool. Not too many people are here anyways

Candice: U can come and pick us up though later if you wana :)

Me: Oh really?! Thanks!!!

Candice: :) I mean if u wana hang out with us that is

Candice: Sooooo wanna come by and get us? :)

Candice: Or we can walk. That's fine.

(I'm pretty sure we talked on the phone somewhere between these texts.)

Candice: Hi did u pass your cleaning check?

Me: I don't know, they haven't checked yet. Are you watching the game today?

Candice: Iiiiiidk. Haha are u?

Me: Yeah, my apartment is. Well... I guess I'll see you later then! Probably when I come to pick up Natalie for our date.

Candice: Hahaha ur sooooo fuuuuuuunny

Me: :)

Candice: :p punk. She wouldn't date u anyways!

Me: We'll see about that

Candice: Ew u better not try.

Me: ;)

Candice: No don't do it

Me: ;)

Candice: Stop sending me smiley faces! :p jerk

Me: ;)

Candice: I don't like u right now

Me: ;)

Candice: Yuuuuup pretty sure ur on my blacklist

And that's the girl code. Stupid for so many reasons, but I don't think it's going away any time soon. So I'll keep chipping away at her until either I lose interest in Natalie or I have a green-light.

...Ok, green-light may be a bit too optimistic. More like... until the girlstapo (get it? like gestapo! ha ha ha) stops watching my every move with in-home surveillance cameras and let me wear shoes again.

Did that make any sense? I don't know. But what I do know is this: the girl code is a major contributing factor in 72% of all failed relationships. Did I make that up just now? Yes. Does that make it any less credible? Absolutely not. I'm a scientist.

Down with the girl code! Up with Free Market Dating!!!

Well Obviously....We have a rapist in Canyon Park

So, my best friend from high school and current roommate, Chase, has been dating this way cool chick named Amanda for almost six months. They're a fun couple to hang out with and funny enough, they're almost as desparate as I am to have me dating someone. I think it's because they want to have another couple to do stuff with like play Scrabble or Nerts I guess. Conveniently, Amanda has a vast network of hot friends and also loves playing matchmaker. Therefore the result is that she is constantly lining up dates for me. I have never been on so many blind dates before in my life but surprisingly, they've all been pretty good and lack the usual awkward aura that accompanies most blind dates. But even so, there just wasn't anyone that I fell head over gaga for until last night.

Kaylee. Kaylee was actually the first girl Amanda tried setting me up with months ago but wasn't able to because Kaylee had something else going on that night. Amanda started setting me up with other girls and Kaylee was put on the back burner and forgotten. Then a couple days ago, Chase walked into our bedroom and informed me that we were going on a double this Saturday and that Amanda had already called Kaylee to make sure she was free and that she was expecting a phone call from me to ask her out. When I asked him what he had planned he got this excited look on his face as he proceeded to explain his idea.
"What if we go to the library, each pick out our favorite children's book, and then read it to each other? Then, afterwards for dinner, we'll go out to eat at Applebee's and order off the children's menu!"

The idea terrified me. I knew full well that this date would destroy my Alpha-male appearance. When I told him there was no way on this sweet earth that I was going to do that, he just laughed and told me that girls loved cheesy stuff like this and that our dates were going to love it. I literally felt sick to my stomach. Maybe if I knew that my date looked like a troll and had the personality to match I would have considered doing it because hey, that way I wouldn't have anything to lose. But I had already Facebook stalked this girl and knew that she was drop dead gorgeous and I actually wanted to impress this girl with more than just my book reading skills. But no amount of frantic pleading could change Chase's mind. We even called Amanda to get her opinion cause I figured she would be able to see the craziness of the idea for a blind date. But to my shock and wonder, Amanda loved the idea and told me that I better be excited about this date or she would never line me up again. So with a heavy heart I called Kaylee, told her I'd pick her up at eight, and then hung up incredibly depressed when I could hear that her voice was just as hot as her Facebook pics.

But then through the grace and mercy of the date gods, on the day of the date, Chase and Amanda decided against the childish date and decided for a casual dinner at Jimmy John's ending with a leisurely stroll under the full moon in the park behind my parent's house.

Ok, a little background. My parent's house is only about a thirty minute drive away from my house so I'm always going home for free food and to play the Wii. The other cool thing about my house is that about a block away there's an old park called Canyon Park with tons of trees and boulders which is pretty cool during the day and downright creepy at night. Back in high school, Chase and I would take our current crushes to the park, tell them a few ghost stories about the kids that "died" there, and then have some other high school buddies make noises in the bushes and trees in order to scare the crap out of the girls. Chase and I would then step in to the hero role, take them by the hand and carefully and quickly navigate them out of the park and back to my house where we would then talk about our crazy night over a cup of hot chocolate. It worked like a charm everytime.

Funny thing about the whole "night walk" thing was that it was Amanda's idea to do it. Little did she know how well versed Chase and I were in this routine. So imagine my joy when I found out that instead of doing something so far out of my comfort zone that it threatened to make me puke, for something I was so well versed in. I could do it with my eyes closed. All I had to do was call my dad, let him know the plan, and then went and picked up my date. Fortunately, my dad is also no stranger to this routine and knew exactly what to do.

I picked Kaylee up and immediately had to suppress the instinct to just stare with my mouth open. Kaylee has sleek Auburn hair, a body that makes cheerleaders jealous, and perfect teeth for a dazzling smile for the cherry on top. Drop dead gorgeous and definitely out of my league. I did not want to blow this one.

So, after a mental double check that my muscles were flexed in all the right places and that I had stopped staring, I gave her a hello hug, got the car door for her and then quickly drove off so that I had something for my hands to do rather than just twiddle with each other. After 10 minutes of talking I was relieved to see that she had a personality to go with the body. From the get-go she was all smiles and giggles which put me at ease immediately. After saying a silent prayer of gratitude to the date gods, we met up with Chase and Amanda, grabbed dinner, then started the drive out to my parent's house.

When we got there, I quickly introduced Kaylee to my dad and then took the group into the front room to chat for a second to give my dad a chance to slip out of the house. After about 5 minutes, Chase said that we better get going and so out of the house we went. It was awesome. Chase and I both fell into the same old routine we both knew so well and pretty soon, we had these girls hugging close to us. We had a full moon so we didn't bother bringing flashlights. But although we felt that we could see pretty well, there were plenty of unidentified objects all around us. Once we were pretty deep into the park, I stopped and showed them the tree where the first kid hung himself. Even though I had made up these ghost stories, I still creep myself out every time I tell them. It works out though, because that way I don't have to pretend as hard to be scared. So when halfway through my sentence I heard something move in the bushes in front of us, I froze. I don't even think Kaylee and Amanda heard anything but when I stopped talking so quickly, they immediately started grabbing at us telling us we should leave. I smiled and apologized explaining that I was just nervous and that there really wasn't anything to be worri.....

*CRASH*

To me it just sounded like my dad had tripped in the bushes. To them, probably like an evil rapist had just tripped in the bushes. Kaylee screamed and put an iron death grip on my arm. I quickly reached out and grabbed her other hand and in a panicked but firm whisper, "We need to go.....NOW." The four of us started sprinting while my dad continued to make noises behind us. It was definitely a good thing that I was in front of Kaylee guiding her through the park so that she couldn't see that instead of the grim determined look I was supposed to have on, I had a big dorky grin of pleasure plastered across my face due to the fact that I knew she wouldn't be letting go of my hand anytime soon.We charged into the house and into the living room where both girls collapsed onto each other, hugging, and whimpering to make sure the other was ok. Chase and I made empty threats about how tempted we were to go back in there and beat the crap out of the scum bag, but the girls begged us not to leave them. So grudgingly(haha) we stayed. Right on cue my dad came out to see what the craziness was about and laughed at our wild imaginations. Man I love my dad. He is seriously one of my best wing men and never misses a beat. Once we were back on the road home, the joking and laughing returned and any unsettled feelings were put to rest. The door scene wasn't painful at all, we joked and laughed a little more about the night and then I gave her a hug goodbye. About a half-hour later, I received this greatly desired after-date-text.

KAYLEE: "Matt! Thanks so much for the date tonight, I seriously had a blast..even though we had that scare! Ha but thanks again!! Have a goodnight!"

ME: "Hahaha, yeah, sorry about that. But yeah, me too! Sleep well, don't let the canyon creepers get ya!"

In retrospect, I think my text could've come off a little creepy but too late now. I'll admit, I'm definitely trying my best to not get my hopes up about this girl, but.................ok, so I'm really not trying. My hopes are up and I'm smitten. Especially since she added me on Facebook 58 minutes ago. And for those of you who think I have no chance with Kaylee............ you are so dumb. You are really dumb, for real, You can run and tell that to your homeboy.

Doc (Matt)

Emotional Risk Mitigation

El Conquistador

Let's get back to the basics. This is going to sound elementary, but if you're like most of the people I talk to about dating, you still don't get it.

This morning I talked to a friend who is starting to get emotionally invested in a guy but doesn't want to put herself through the hurt again if he never does anything about it. He's invited her to several activities and even went so far as to ask her to go running with him every morning.

Every morning! That's huge! No reasonably sane person - men included - would jump into that kind of commitment if they didn't like the person they're asking.

So he's shown some level of interest, which is making her more interested, and basically she wants to limit her risk of heartbreak in case the spark never catches. So her solution is - this one is good - to start saying no every time he asks her to do something with him!

Are you serious?!

That, my friends, that is the reason women get accused of being illogical. Because... they are! Ha ha ha.

As ridiculous as that is, I get it. She doesn't want another huge emotional let-down. Whatever.

I'm sure you can see, however, that this is just plain counterproductive and will likely get her thrown into a convent by her poor grandchild-less parents in ten years.

But let's not be too hard on her. I've been there before and I'm sure you have / are too.

So what's the solution? I humbly present to you a lesson in emotional risk mitigation.

There are two key elements to limiting chances of heartbreak:

1. Redefine success
2. Diversify

Redefine Success

First, if your idea of success is marriage, or a decent relationship, you're in for a long, long road of pure failure. I know that sounds horrible, but very few people find that kind of success with the first person they have a crush on. Or the second. Or the 23rd.

So, redefine your success! For example, my idea of success is the number of dates I go on per week. That is something I control, and if one girl says no I can still be successful by asking another. Though it still has yet to happen. ;)

Cocky is so fun.

Anyway, in the case of this friend of mine, she's basing her success on whether or not he "likes" her. That's a bad metric. It's impossible to ever really know if it's happened or not, she has little control over it, and even if she is successful it might not lead to anything.

Here's where the basics come into play. Going from single to married is a process, which for most people looks like this:

Single --> Single but going on dates --> Dating --> Engaged --> Married.

Duh, right? Now here's the secret: sequential progress. Step to step. If you're at step 2, you need to get to step 3. That's it. Get there with someone you may actually want to marry, but get there.

If you're in the single stage, you need to start going on dates. Like right now.

Getting people to like you is a step in that direction, but the real measure of success is dates. It's the next step in the process, and it's real progress. 

If you're a guy, start asking girls out. I won't say that's easy by any means, but it is simple. Pick up a phone, call a girl, and say, "I'd like to ask you on a date." Have fun with it. And don't stress because if she says no, there are thousands of other girls that would love to go out with you.

For girls the path to getting asked out is less straightforward, but because of that you often don't have any direct risk. We'll get into how to get asked out in a different post, but for now your task is to re-align your objectives with the dating process. Dates. Get asked out. That is your new goal. Work it, baby. ;)

Diversify

Now that we've changed our focus from "get that person to like me" to dates in general, the game becomes a lot more fun.

Now, every time you meet a guy, your objective is to get them to ask you out. Every guy. "Oh, but what about the creepers and the World of Warcraft addicts? I don't want to date them!"

That's fine. You can always say no. But get them to ask you out!

For guys, the objective is to get every girl to be interested enough to say yes to a date, should you choose to ask.

Why would you want to do that? Because it will build your confidence, give you great practice, and when other people see that you're getting attention, the competitive feeding frenzy receptor will go off and they'll want a piece of you without even knowing why.

And when you have a bunch of guys or girls going after you, it's really hard to become invested in a fruitless relationship to the point of heartbreak.

Game On!

El Conquistador

So I was talking to a friend of mine about her dating issues. She's a super cool girl who's cute and intelligent and fun and everything a guy should want.

She's interested in a couple guys we both know, and has been trying for MONTHS to make something happen with them, i.e., get them to be interested in her, with no results. She makes sure to be where they are whenever possible, she invites them to activities, she has text conversations with these guys - all in all she's done an amazing job of positioning herself in their lives.

But here's her problem: lack of options. It's not that she's doing something wrong with these guys, they just happen to be the wrong guys!

Girls typically hate this philosophy, but it's sheer truth whether you like it or not, so you may as well accept it and dominate the game.

Dating is a numbers game. You meet a billion people, go on dates with far fewer, actually date even fewer, and eventually end up with just one person as your significant other.

If you only meet one person per year, it's going to take you FOREVER to find someone you're happy committing to.

Conversely, if you meet tons of people, you'll get the the end of the game much quicker.

THEREFORE - and listen closely, ladies - success in the dating game boils down to this: OPTIONS.

You need to generate AS MANY dating options as you possibly can at all times. The more options you have, the more likely one of them will like you who you like back, and then you can live happily ever after.

Some women feel strongly opposed to being "that girl" who's constantly flirting away with every boy she meets. But guess what. Guys LOVE that girl! Be her! We'll ask you out!

And when you're getting asked out all the time, things will work out more often.

So this needs to be your new approach to "the game" - get as many people to be interested in you as you possibly can. In fact, try to get EVERY guy/girl you meet to be interested in you. And - this is important - the game isn't about being interested in a large number of people, it's about having a large number of people who are interested in you.

I'm sure you've heard this saying before: "it's not about who you know, it's about who knows you." Same goes for dating. It's not about who you like, it's about who likes you. If every guy/girl you know is interested in you, then whoever you decide to be interested in is yours! Who doesn't want that?!

Now let me now enumerate some benefits of this approach:

1. Increased options equals quicker success (theoretically, of course).
2. Increased options lowers anxiety because if you blow it with one guy/girl, s/he's immediately forgotten and replaced by your other options. No big deal. No heartbreak.
3. Increased options gives you more confidence in general because you become that guy/girl who everyone likes!
4. Increased options makes your life easier because now you have opposite sexers coming to you all the time instead of you trying to make things happen with them.
5. Even if you're not interested in any of your options, you begin to break into their networks and meet their cute roommates, etc., which further increases your options.

I don't know how else to say it! This is how it's done! So, my dear friend, get your game on. Unleash the flirt. Accumulate options. :)

--elC

A Man's Man=A Girl's Man

Sweet, the Doc is checkin' in.

I grew up with the mind set that women wanted a man that was sensitive and kind. A man who wanted to listen to their heartache, a man who wanted to share their heartache, a man that even had the ability to feel heartache. So therefore, I did. I did with very minimal success with the female population.

What was I doing wrong? I was constantly watching chick flicks where the guys were always super sensitive, constantly doing acts of "cute" service to woo drop-dead gorgeous celebrity hotties. Whenever I put on a good listening ear or opened up about how I was feeling, I either came off gay, weird, or at best, a "close friend" that they could confide in about their real crushes.

After a while I started to notice a trend. Guys that are jerks get the perks. Guys that have gravel for emotions and don't even have the word "cute" in their vocabulary seem to be the ones that the girls flock to. I couldn't make heads or tails of this for the longest time until I had a great discussion on this behavioral conundrum with my roommates.

Girls want a man who acts like........wait for it..........a man.

Although embarrassingly obvious at first glance, it's not quite as simple as it appears (due to the complexities of woman speech where they say one thing and mean the opposite). They tell us that they do want us to be sensitive, understanding, etc. which we have already seen is not the case. This priceless gem of info was discovered while chatting with the roomies who, in turn, had a similar discussion with someone else, we'll call him Tony, who apparently is married to someone far above his status. Therefore, Tony is completely qualified on this subject. He explained that girls want an Alpha Male. A guy that will naturally take charge of the situation and lay down the law. A guy that will, instead of allowing her to cry about her problems, tell her to cut the crap and to quit being so dramatic. A guy that can protect her against weird dweebs that go to blogs for dating advice........................haha.......joking.

Basically, girls want guys to act like the male society expects them to be. Due to thousands of years of human habit, boys are expected to be the provider, the leader, and emotional rock. Therefore, when we men start displaying more "feminine-like" qualities, we're going against the manly-man ways, giving up our manly-man sex appeal.

And if you think about it, it makes sense. Let's reverse the situation. Guys like sports and eating, for example. A girl that could throw a spiral better than I can, and belches along with the boys while stuffing her face with gas station nachos and.........yeah, I'm just gonna stop there. It just wouldn't work. And those of you who are thinking that this kind of girl IS for you, need to stop reading this and go to this site here or here.

Now, I know what you're thinking ladies: "That's not true at all! I love when a guy can be sensitive." To that I say, I didn't ask you. Biased girl crap is probably one of the main reasons why we made this blog anonymous. Next I would say, I know you like when a guy shows his sensitive side. I get that. Women, on average, really do value sensitivity, kindness, and all that other crap and would LOVE for their man to naturally display these virtues. BUT, only after he has proven that he is a man's man. Hmm, let's bold and capitalize that to make it more manly. A Man's Man. Yeah, that's it.

Let's apply this into the dating scene now.

Tony explains that while on a date, one of the primary things that a man needs to establish is that he IS the man in this relationship. The theory is that, while on a date, you need to give the girl some type of command. Blatantly tell her to do something, and then just assume that's she going to do it.

Second, never apologize or say, "just kidding." These two words show how much of a softy you really are. If you make a funny disparaging comment, good job. Don't apologize. Keep on having a great time being the dominant male that you are. By doing these two things, you quickly put the girl in her place. And strangely enough, Girls LIKE being put in their place. They expect it; so guys, don't hesitate to do so.

Men, many of you are asking, "Doc, are you saying that I need to constantly be making fun of women until they develop an eating disorder while giving them commands left and right? I don't think I can do that. I have found that girls like when I cry on their shoulder, go shopping with them, and stay late into the night talking about their boy issues." To that I say, whoa, let's not jump to extremes. And wow, you need therapy. I know I did.

Obviously we need to still put on the charm while applying the above concepts.

Summary

To establish that you are a Man's Man you must:

• Give the girl a command or two and then assume she'll carry through.
• Don't use the words "just kidding" or "sorry" etc.
• Once your manliness is proven, things like sympathy, cute service, and other feminine crap will only add to your incredible charm

Pretty much that's the basic concept as far as I understand it. I think in my next blog post, I'll talk about how it's worked out for me so far. Remember, although I might sound like an expert, I am still fairly new to this technique and am still practicing to refine this skill. I'll keep you posted. I hope I don't crash and burn.

Doc

Revolutionary War

El Conquistador

I was sitting in American Heritage, just minding my own business, when all of a sudden this super cute girl sits to my left. Booyah. 

I tried to talk to her a few times during the lecture, but I could never really get the ball rolling. So after the lecture I asked her if she was planning on watching the required movie on campus after class. Obvious way to spend time with her, right? Wrong. She said she owned the movie and was going to watch it at home sometime... 

"This is where you invite me over to watch it with you," I thought. 

... 

Nada. 

So instead, I asked her if I could borrow it from her sometime. I'll admit, I should have just asked her if she was single and then asked her out, but that's not always as easy to do as I'd like. 

She gave me her number and we were on our separate ways. She seemed a bit shy, so when I texted her later that day I took a soft, flirty approach - and then she surprise attacked me. This is our text conversation: 
Me: 

Hey Jen, it's [El Conquistador]. We sat next to each other in American Heritage today. When are you planning on warching le movie? (That's French for "the movie" :) ) 
Her: 

probably later this week El dorko (That's Spanish for you're lame) lol 
Me: 

Ha ha ha! Wow! Already with the disparaging comments! That was quick. Usually I don't start insulting people until I've at least sat next to them twice 
Her: 

Well i'm not like most people so this is how it is 
Me: 

I can see that! Sassy isn't a quality most people have in such large quantities. 
Me: 

You're from Idaho, right? 
Her: 

Creep much?? 
Me: 

Area code. And makes sense. Home of the Sassquatch. :) 
Her: 

I'm afraid that was the dumbest comeback i've ever heard 
Me: 

Ha ha ha! wow, remind me not to talk to you again around this time next month. 
Her: 

Oh I see we have a wise guy here. he thinks he knows about the ladies 
Me: 

I'm afraid that was the dumbest comeback I've ever heard 
Me: 

Ok, I've had enough of this. Either one of us really likes super abrasive conversations, or we got off to a record-breakingly bad start. I'm assuming the later. Let's start over. Hi, I'm elC. You're obviously an intelligent young woman and I've actually enjoyed our conversation to this point, so I'd love to be friends. Nice ones though. Let me know how you feel about that. 



Talk about drama! After that I never heard from her again. And good thing. 

What an unpleasant woman.

Facebook Fail - Airplane Girl

El Conquistador

Back in December I went on a Facebook craze and started using it to message girls that I had no other way of contacting. My first attempt happened a little something like this...

I was in the SLC airport waiting to board a plane home for Christmas break when I noticed an extremely attractive girl in the same waiting area. This was immediately a difficult position to be in because I was with three other female friends and I hate flirting in front of girls I already know. I feel like it's insulting to them. Anyway, I didn't do anything in the waiting area except look at her for inordinate amounts of time and fantasize about our future together.

I knew I had seen her before at BYU, which meant she was at least Mormon enough to get an ecclesiastical endorsement. Green light.

She boarded the plane way ahead of me, so there was no chance I could sit next to her. But it did mean that I was able to see what seat she was in as I walked past her to the back of the plane.

For about an hour I faked being interested in the conversation I was having with my friends and tried to think of a way to talk to this girl. She was in the aisle seat, so I thought about just going up and starting a conversation while standing in the aisle, but flashes of Jack Bauer mercilessly tackling suspected airplane terrorists dissuaded me.

Finally, I decided a note was my best option. I wrote one on my napkin and addressed it to "Cute Girl, Seat 3A". As the flight attendants were making their last rounds to pick up trash, I flagged one over to me, held up the note, and said, "what are the chances you could get this to seat 3A?" She looked surprised at first, but as she read it, that "oooooooooh" smile came over her face and she agreed.

I watched her walk up to the front of the plane, look around for a while, then come back. She leaned down next to me and, with a slightly embarrassed expression, said, "are you... it's ok if you are, but... are you into older women?"

Whaaaaaat?

She said the "cute girl" in seat 3A looked about forty years old and had two children sitting next to her.

Thank goodness for the discretion of that flight attendant.

Turns out I was one off on my seat estimation. My target was actually in seat 4A. The flight attendant gave her the note, came back and reported that she indeed was a very cute girl and was a bit embarrassed by getting my epistle, and then we landed.

Again, because she was in the front of the plane and I in the back, she got off way ahead of me and I didn't see her at all. I had left my phone number on the note, though, and hoped she'd get in touch with me, even though we all know that never happens.

A few days later I still hadn't heard from her, so I gave it some thought and remembered where I'd seen her before - on Facebook! About a year earlier, my roommate came home and said he met the most gorgeous girl ever on campus and proceeded to look her up on the 'ol fb. She had a limited public profile, and the only picture we could see of her was one of those here's-a-picture-of-me-with-five-other-girls-so-you-can-never-tell-if-I'm-cute-or-not profile pics.

He was bent on Facebook stalking her, but didn't want to add her as a friend because he thought it would weird her out, so we added her from my account instead.

Once I remembered this, I texted him to ask what her name was. Lo and behold we were still friends on Facebook! This was going to be weird. Very weird, but at the same time, it gave me a leg up because it made it look like we had actually met somewhere before and may have even been real-life friends at some point.

So after much deliberation with the roommates, we decided I had absolutely nothing to lose by sending her a message. I now present to you the transcript of our communications:

Me:

NTL?

"You have nothing to lose" turns out to be a very convincing argument when it comes to sending Facebook messages to girls that you see in airports and send napkin epistles to.

I was looking for a friend named Ashli in my Facebook friend-looker-upper list and saw you in there and thought, "Whoa! That's the girl from the plane!" And then the debate began (and has grown quite large) of whether or not to send you a message. Team "Send It" won, of course.

Weird that we're Facebook friends, because I don't think we've ever met, but I guess it makes this whole thing at least slightly less creepy...?

I saw that you went to Millennium High! I played water polo at Stuyvesant and had the opportunity of getting smashed by your team at least once a year.

Ok, enough with the niceties. Here's the game-plan:
If you want to reply to me, that would be fantastic! I would greatly appreciate it and would love some kind of return on my investment, even if it's negative.
If not, this is the last time you'll hear from me because I'm already kind of feeling like a stalker.

It's been an absolute pleasure writing notes to you, Ms. Ashley.

Have a great day,
El Conquistador

Her:

haha Hey! yeah i lost that note. I looked for you on the plane but i couldnt see exactly which one was you! Also, you wrote the note out to the girl sitting in 5D which was the row in front of me who happened to be a 50 year old woman so the airplane attendant guessed you were referring to me haha. Unless you are into older women...I wish she would have given that note to the older woman though.

Yeah i went to Mil! our water polo team was pretty legit...sorry to hear that your team lost but Im sure you got over it haha.

That is pretty weird that we are friends on facebook. anyways yes lets get together sometime.

Me:

Hey! Ha ha ha! I love that story! I'll have to tell you my perspective of it sometime soon - it's funny. Not as funny as it would have been had the stewardess actually given the note to the 5d cougar, but at the same time I'm REALLY glad it didn't end up there.

Thanks for responding! Yeah, let's get together this week if you can. What's your number? (Mine is xxx.xxx.xxxx)

...Me:

Ashley! Hey! I know things are probably crazy busy for you with finals and all - they certainly are for me - but I was thinking we could do a study-break lunch date Tuesday or Wednesday.

If we can't make that work, then maybe we can get together in NY over the break. I'll be home and if I remember right, Millennium is only like 20 minutes from my house. Or, maybe I'll just see you on a plane again.

Let me know what works!

elC

And that's where it ended. I had so much hope for this one, especially after she responded to the first message. But, alas, our future together has been smashed.

And yeah, I lied about how I found her on Facebook. But can you blame me? Also, notice the tasteful use of smiley faces ;) So tasteful.